Mara was there to criticize my work. She was there...

THANKS MARA!

..means a lot. :)

HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE

And so they say,

"Being happy is a choice.."

I couldn't but agree more.

It is a damn choice of a person to be happy. And it their damn choice to be not. So, quit budging.. quit making her feel okey. 'Cause you can't. Believe me you can't. If she choses to sulk and be the most distressed person on earth, then let her be. You can't do anything but respect her decision.

But...

I don't know why she chooses to be sad when she has all the reason to be not?! I mean, what is your problem?! Hindi lang problema ang meron sa mundo. There's a lot -and I mean a LOT- that she can do to brush those thoughts away.

She's got the whole world on her side. She's got the sun shining on her every morning. She's got the moon smiling at her every night, watching her drown her pillow with tears. She's got the stars making their way to her so that she can wish on each of them. She's got the clouds, ready to protect her from all the rains and the thunders.

And she's got me.
I will be the Wonder Sita who will chase her wonders away.

Sana lang alam niya.

I am not feeling the all-too-hyper me right this moment. I guess the sadness and the sorrow of other people unknowingly seeped through our computer screen and passed through me. :| hmph.

-------

Almost a year and 4 months now huh? I would normally ask how things are going on with you and your life. But guess what, I just don't care.

To hell with your "Screw you and your lovelife" line. To hell with what you think of me now.. As if that would really matter to me and AS IF you matter to me. I used to bow down to you. tsk. tsk. tsk. Disgrace.

And you're saying it was me all along.

Damn girl. Look at yourself now.




...........

Gosh. I'm sorry.

I am really not myself today no wait - I'm not myself right now.

I wanna go to school. :|

God. Just so you know... My nerves are KILLING me. 5 more days 'til my name changes to "I.AM.TOTALLY. D E A D" And I can foresee it, I will die immensely mortified.

The best part?
I still don't have a song.


Well actually I do. It's the perfect song. It's THE song. But just this morning.. one equally perfect song popped out from my head. [gosh. lotsa things happen in the morning ah.] And now, ladies and gentlemen, I am soooo doomed. I am torned between the two! Why? You're asking me why?! Then lets look at the 2 songs, shall we?..

Song number one:
So perfect.
Been practicing it the WHOLE weekend.
She loves it.
And its just perfect for her. period.

Song number two:
So perfect too.
Just started practicing now.
The tabs are hardly easy. :|
I like the message of this song better
-it's my message, exactly.
And according to the peoples around me,
this one's really and undoubtedly,
the perfect song.

BUT HOW ABOUT THE OTHER SONG? ITS PERFECT TOO. GOD. WHY ARE TWO SONGS SOO EQUALLY PERFECT. THIS IS KILLING ME. IT REALLY IS.

HELP!

fine. fine. fine.

Let's just see where this day leads me. Please, Lord, give me a sign on what song I should play. :'( I am.. troubled, confused, torned and... totally worried.

I will just find something to keep me away from this humongous maelstrom of confusion. I will do Journ. I don't like doing it.. but what the hell?!

..Just I know I can never be enough

And now I realized that I never really left that Vulnerability Stage, I use to call. I am still there and I'm still trying to find my way to the next phase, which I call... the Contented Stage.

How ironic [Yess. I find lotsa things downright ironic] when just this morning I felt satisfied and contented. Well, that says it all.. it was this morning. And something came about that changed my whole perception in my contentment and vulnerability. [God. are there any other words for contentment?]

And yess, that was what I realized... I realized that I am still very much vulnerable. Just like before. I've always wondered why I felt like someone's always watching my every move. Why I felt like whatever I try to pursue, it'll end to be such a crap. But now I do.. and it makes perfect sense.

Just when? Where? And how I got the answers? Well, that is an interesting story.

I was watching TV [as usual] and there was this certain segment where in people talked about why/how do people share their thoughts and sentiments. They said that when people share their inner feelings-their inner self- to other people, they're like opening themselves to other people, making them more vulnerable. It is a good thing, 'cause you will find an outlet for all those suppressed emotions. But then again... feeling very much susceptible is not a very good feeling. It is ok to be vulnerable and open and all that jazz BUT you should know your limits. People will find their way to your soft spot, your weakness. And they will manipulate you, one way or another.

This thought has been injected into my mind by a special friend of mine, months ago and I thank her a lot for that. She made a lot of sense. Honestly, I've never really looked at Opening up, Vulnerability and Weakness that way. I never thought they would somehow go together. They used to be just words. Simple meaningless words that people use in everyday life.

..I gave it much of a thought and believe me, seeing that television show simply intensified that I am, in fact, a weak person - easily fooled.

If I won't start being as vigilant as I could, damn I'm d e a d.

Maybe that's the reason why I feel scared, freaked out, alone, vulnerable most of the times.. I share too much. I've opened myself to much to the world.

Maybe what I'm doing now is wrong.

Maybe it's wrong to share. Maybe it's wrong to be open. Maybe it's wrong to cry out loud. Maybe it's wrong to be spontaneous.

Maybe what I'm doing is wrong.

I will never be contented nor safe nor happy.

For what I'm doing is wrong.

Fine.

I'll keep myself away in a box. I will be as mysterious as everyone else..

But can I really do that? With the personality I have?
Boastful? Noisy? Loquacious?

Whatever. Come to think of it. I never really got to my point. Oh wait. I don't know my point.

Im sorry for stressing this this much. But when I attempt to shift the subject. It just goes back to that.

Promise, I will stop. I will really..

-------

So, it's 2.10 in the morning. God. 6 more days 'til my death. Lord, please do help me. So much work to do. Yet so much time to waste. Go Kyla. Be the irresponsible girl you already are.

I am dreading the Soph Night 'cause people will...
ugh. Just don't ask, ok?

Honestly and ironically, I am yet ecstatic about it.

It'll be my very first time to attend a... uh.. what do you call it now? A Party? Yes, indeed. A grand party (you know, with the dances, tables, catering, mingling here and there, etc.). The last time I went to a party like this was at my cousin's debut. Which was like... 10 years ago? My golly. Is my life this boring? Please no.

It'll be my very first time to play infront of a large large large crowd.

And it is already, the first time my mom gave me permission when I haven't even asked. It was amazing.. I mean, I was just there, doing slash "doing" my homework when she suddenly comes up to me saying that she will VOLUNTARILY (take note: VOLUNTARILY!) pay for the P400 pesos. WHOAH. I was really taking aback. And she also offered to help me find, no wait, help me BUY a gown, a dress, whatever! ..for that one night. My gosh. Am I dreaming?

So my point is. Hmm. I don't have a point.

I don't know what to feel. I am currently in the midst of turmoil and confusion. Mag-Gala kaya ako? or maybe I should wear that gown, dress, whatever, mom's gonna find for me. Either way, I'd be breaking my mommy's heart
[I'm speaking of 2 mommies.. Ok?Haha. Long story.]



Wait. Let's say that line again..
"I don't know what to feel. I am currently in the midst of turmoil and confusion." ---- That is a damn lie.

Yes, I admit. It is a lie.

Because right now.. I am feeling very much happy and contented in life. I know this won't last. It never lasts [and that just sucks.] But can you please just let me enjoy it before anything or wait, before everything turns nasty.. Yes. I repeat. I am very happy, at the moment. And also calm and relaxed. Yes, I have lots of HW and aticles and features and again, HW to do, but that is physical stress, external pressure. I'm talking about emotions here. My sentiments, my inner senses. When I look inside my heart, I see a girl, wearing tights and doing her usual yoga pose. My heart is apparently relaxing and enjoying her time. :) I love the feeling. And actually, I don't know when this feeling of satisfaction will end.. but I am hoping praying to the God of Love, please not anytime sooner. 'Cause I can feel it, I need the serenity. BADLY.


-------

yup. and u really
gets a lots when u
put an 's' at d end
of stuffs.

~~gosh. benta.
[12:19am, Jan26]

Ms. ViEnn has a new blog. Yey.
Good for her! I hope she feels a lot lot better.. ViEnn, just don't stop wishing, ok? Wishes are granted, just in the right time. :)

Well, my today hasn't been totally eaten up by my yesterday. But I think, slowly, it will get to that.

I think slowly I am getting to that.. what I am before is different from what I am now. And I can not do anything to change it.

ok.

next.

I am currently doing stuff for our Journ newspaper. soooo.. I really got nothing to say. ok?

Goodbye cruel world. :|

LORD!

Help. :(
Please?...
Please let me know how to do it.

*sniff sniff*
:'((





...on a lighter note.
I love this entry. Because it's timely.
I'm sorry. I can't explain the feeling.

Besides the fact that I am very much attached to this entry (with a reason I can't even describe), I am so into this entry because it's my 273rd entry.

Pansin ko lang.

Ang daming badtrip.

...as in parang lahat atah bad trip.

Feel ko ako lang yung hindi. Haha. GOOD TRIP AKO. (Diba mia?! Good trip tayo?!)

Masama bang maging good trip kung lahat sa paligid mo bad trip??

ALAM KO NA!

Taga-balance na lang ako. I will spread the good epidemic.

And I will find the cure to this inevitable disease - the badtrips.

waah. labo. :|

Look away.
See it coming.
Grey skies.
Grey skies.
See it coming.

Cool my fire.



RAIN SONG
Imago

Your smile is gently freezing. snow feels in away. you're the laughter in my silence. the cold that keeps me awake. green towel less soft spoken. your thoughts you never knew. your lies and empty promises. i'll do the more at you

How does it feel?. How is it that I can feel?. 'Cause I, I need to know.

'Cause I, I know I can never be enough. to replace your whatever. and I, I think it's shiny and blue. like a dance that see through. 'Cause I, I know I can never be enough. to replace your whatever. now everything is silent, and everything is still without you here.

Everything about you. the world was something new. and I was there at the open. well just to be with you. but every time I see the shelter. and every time I walk away. you're the laughter in my silence. the cold that feeds my day.

And every time I see you passing by. I'll just stay here waiting for you. and I will talk to myself. on a lazy Sunday afternoon. and I'll still say that prayer for you. i'll be a little bit proud of me. while trying to be so perfect you'll see. and nothing can compare to whatever lies out there.

There's no one here.

NEON
Spongecola
-------------------------------------

"clinging to your past, will ruin your future."
-some cool dude

the bleak past
..i try hard to keep away from

i locked it away in a cage imbued with demons
i hope to never see it again

..'til now.

it haunts me
in my sleep
in my dreams
in my life

it scares me
..why?

'cause it takes away what used to be mine

and what used to be mine
has now flown away with the wisp of the wind

yesterday becomes my today
..now my tomorrow's ruined

what should a kyla do?

find consolation?
in you?
maybe.

i saw...
in your eyes
the me i see never

a me
i wish to be forever


the broken mirror i hide inside
the broken pieces im still trying to mess up
the broken pieces i try to find

you put them all together
..making today a history of yesterday

thank you.

-------what is the point of all this kung ndi mo rin babasahin?


waah. I don't know what is it with Me and Valentines, but we just don't click. I mean... Wala lng. I just think it's a waste to choose a day from the whole love month. Eh ano naman kung 14? Dun lang ba ang araw na pwede kang magpakita ng pagmamahal? Yun lang ba ang araw na mahal mo sya? Hindi. Why celebrate on that day only? BUONG month, buong taon ka dapat nagmamahal!

If you love someone, bakit bukas ka lang magpaparamdam OF ALL THE DAYS?
that's just soo.. weird.

hmm.. I've nothing against the number 14. Badtrip lng talga ako. Sorry.


I feel stupid.

Well, I am.

And I will be always.

ANG GANDA NG DATE BUKAS. waaah.
FEBRUARY 7.
love it! love it! love it!

As if the many sorry's were that enough..

Well I was half-expecting it would be.

February na ..tapos ilang araw na lang March na. :'(
Waaaah.


hmmm.. trip kong mag-update ngayon para madagdagan yung months sa Archives ko. Wahahaa.

....for some strange strange reason, wala akong malagay sa blog na toh.

Tama Aprille. Mas maganda ang personal diary. In-depth details pa yung pwede mong ilagay kasi alam mong walang magbabasa. ;)

..AND!

Losers weep in one small corner.
Hope you're happy staying there, loser. :)